There is this box
loaded with this 'thing'
i wouldnt sell whatsoever
even if hundred rupees it could bring!
I fight about it with my brothers,
and I never share it with others
filled with walnuts and cashew
for it many great fight ensue.
Mum is away at office and
the box seems to beckon
Come take the knife
and slice!
This time the knife makes a little cracky noise...
A whole slice this time,
into the mouth.
Oh the icing on top
and the icing in the middle
ohhhhhh oooo mmmmmm.
But now I can't stop myself
I cant stop the knife
I've got this great big chunk
and I'm cramming it in
what a greedy pig
but it's so nice!!!
2 comments:
I was bumped onto your page - perhaps because of a vague similarity between one of my posts and your page.
So I went exploring. I see a lot of interesting attempts at fiction and poetry. Your voice is good - very high on energy, and kinda jumps off the page - a rarity in these times. Your fiction is very aural, but I think would benefit from using verbiage to also talk about sights and not just sound. I guess it's because you think aurally - from what I see (Mixed metaphors are my stock-in-trade!).
But the one major thing you need to watch out for is your usage of verb forms/tenses and prepositions - I often had to go over a line again to make sure I got exactly what you were saying. Gets a li'l confusing sometimes.
Otherwise, you seem to have an ear and natural gift for dialogue! Ever tried writing a play? Get in touch if you have or plan to. I'm always interested in producing work written locally.
And, hey, slow down. Channel the energy and release it so it hurts.
oooh!!!
my stomach and tounge are longing for a feast now!!
YUMMY!!!
eheheheheh
thankyou!
[:)]
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